Fetal Position
by SlightlyObsessed
Summary: Even Humanity's Strongest has to sleep.


May I tell you a secret?

It took three years into our marriage before Levi snuggled up to me in his sleep.

Before, he always kept to his side of the bed, curled up, his back to me. It wasn't out of rudeness. It was just his instinct. He of course wasn't much of a snuggler when he was awake either, but he usually would lie on his back or face me, instead of cutting me off by turning away. But when he did fall asleep, which was always a blessing what with his insomnia, he'd soon roll back into his position. It was like he was trying to protect himself, curling in on himself and refusing to turn his back on the outside world. I knew it would be near impossible to break this habit, since he probably wasn't even aware of it, so I decided to take it as a compliment that he trusted me to have his back even in slumber.

I could have cuddled up to him myself; after all, isn't it comforting to have another warm body next to yours? But when I attempted this once, he soon moved away, and I quickly caught on that it would be a perpetual game of chase that would end with poor Levi on the floor. I knew that he moved because he was still afraid of attachment, and no matter how much he healed or how much I loved him, he would always be a little afraid, even if only subconsciously.

Levi's rest was sacred to me, and any attempt to change this habit would have disturbed it. I let him be.

Of course, he slept much better than he did before we were married. I think a part of it was simply because of my presence, even if he didn't snuggle close. Another part started before, when he was just a guest in our household. I remember I had gone to relieve myself, and when I came back I nearly fell over I was so startled. There was Levi, perched on a chair, no tea, just a frighteningly blank expression that slowly realized I was there and finally, blinked. He still wore his day clothes, and his arms were wrapped around his legs, tucked up against his chest. He looked like a lonely child, scared of the monsters under his bed.

"Shannon," he said eventually, his face back in the present at last. "Why are you up?"

" _Heavens_ , Levi," I said, putting a hand against the wall to sturdy myself. "I could say the same of you. You looked like a ghost!"

"I'm sorry."

"Never mind. _I_ was relieving myself, as normal people do. And you are…?"

"Sitting."

"I never would have guessed."

Levi averted his gaze, and suddenly I felt sorry for what I'd said. I didn't know why; I was being perfectly reasonable.

Nevertheless, I walked quietly over to him and sat down, curling up as he did.

I looked into his eyes, worried. Softly, gently: "What's wrong?"

He gazed back at me with those piercing blue-gray eyes. After a moment, he turned away again.

"I don't sleep well."

It made sense. Why would he? All us scouts suffer from nightmares, and Levi had been through worse than most of us.

"You don't have to be ashamed of it."

"I'm not."

"How much sleep do you usually get?"

"Two to three hours."

"Levi!" It was still a whisper, but my voice was chiding. I sighed. "Levi…" This time my voice was soft, insinuating what I really wanted to say. _Levi, my poor, sweet Levi._

I noticed that my hand had instinctively reached out to gently brush his hair back. I pulled away.

I shifted my gaze to the floor so as to make Levi feel less watched. After a moment, I spoke up.

"My father used to sing to me when I couldn't sleep. When I was little."

"Oh?"

Without consulting him further, I began to sing one of the hymns I had fallen asleep to so many times before. I know my voice is nothing special, but I can carry a tune decently enough, and Levi sat in silence, listening to my rendition of "A Mighty Fortress."

I finished, and Levi pondered the words a moment before commenting, "And where is your champion now, Shannon?"

Where is our champion? I don't know. It is a good question, with no good answer except the one that he won't understand, and at times I don't either. Faith is such a tricky thing.

Still, I was used to Levi's less than positive view of my beliefs. I selected another hymn and sang, just a whisper.

Near the end of the third verse, I stopped abruptly, noticing where Levi had ended up. He'd fallen asleep, and he'd shifted so subtly that only now did I realize his soft raven head was resting on my shoulder.

I could hear him breathing.

I wanted so much to kiss his angelic head, but Levi would die if he found out he had fallen asleep like this at all. Besides, I had no right to kiss someone that didn't love me back. Oh, how oblivious we both were then!

So I sat. I didn't dare move, afraid he'd wake. Yet I knew I'd have to move him before he woke up on his own. I decided I'd wait as long as I could before doing so. And though I hated to admit it to myself, I was all too content sitting there, Levi resting against my side.

I did eventually move him. He had started to stir, a good five hours later, and I took the opportunity to gently lift his head and rest it on a pillow. Before leaving, I draped a blanket over him.

It became a relatively common occurrence that I'd find Levi awake downstairs, and I'd even purposely check if I woke up. I sang to him every time, and he fell asleep nearly every time, with varying results as to how long he stayed asleep.

I continued to do that after we were married, but now I didn't have to go downstairs to check, and Levi no longer felt embarrassed for falling asleep in front of me. Now he was free to be grateful, as he always secretly had been, and at times he'd even wake me up with a simple, childish request.

"Sing."

Now I was free to stroke his hair as I did so. Now I was free to plant a tender kiss on his forehead after he'd fallen asleep. Now, we were together.

Sometimes, it was I who had to wake him. He didn't cry out in his sleep like other people do; I think he must have somehow learned not to during his time in the Underground. Still, I'd wake up to his quiet tossings, and silent tears would sometimes be staining his cheeks. It was these nights that I'd hold him close, struggling not to cry with him. I'd rock ever so slightly, gently singing until the memory of the nightmare faded and he could sleep again.

Even so, he soon would roll over. I loved him, so it didn't matter. But sometimes I wished I could hold him close without him unwittingly squirming loose. I treasured the first time he fell asleep on my shoulder. Whether he was so exhausted it hadn't mattered, or if it was simply due to physics that he had wound up there, I didn't care. I so rarely got to hear him breathe.

But rare does not mean never. I was pregnant with Isabel at the time, far enough along to clearly be pregnant without it hindering my movements too much yet. I was blissfully watching Levi sleep, his face turned towards me for once. I was listening to him breathe when I felt it.

It was the first time I felt her kick.

Breaking one of my most important rules, I gently but hurriedly shook Levi awake.

He started. "What is it? Is something wrong?"

I shook my head, smiling, and took his hand, guiding it to where my other hand was monitoring the movements. Placing his hand where mine had just been, I watched his face.

He gazed down at our hands, his face emotionless as he tried to puzzle out why I'd woken him. Only a second later, his eyes slowly widened in one of his almost imperceptible expressions. I couldn't tell what he was feeling, but I know what I felt.

Pure joy.

And even if Levi hadn't felt anything then, I felt enough for both of us.

"It stopped."

"Of course, silly. He- or she's- not going to kick all the time."

"Does it hurt?"

"No. It is a little uncomfortable." I stopped. "Surely you know these things. I mean, where you grew up…"

"The brothel?" he replied easily. He removed his hand and looked at me. "I was not a social child."

I snorted.

I think I caught a glimpse of a sliver of a smile before he continued. "I kept to my mother. Even when she had to work and I was left with one of the other women- girls- and any other children, I usually sat by myself." He paused. "I was shy, I suppose."

"Aw. That's so cute."

"I hate it when you call me cute."

"Well, I love calling you cute."

"I'm not sure either of us can win this argument."

"Guess not."

For a while, I just lay there, gazing dreamily at the man I loved. Eventually, I drifted off.

Some time later I woke up. I had moved onto my other side, facing away from Levi. I was confused for a moment, trying to figure out why I had woken. Then, I realized.

Levi, sweet Levi. Snuggled up against me, his face buried in my hair, one arm arched around me in an embrace. His hand rested near where I'd placed it earlier.

I could hear him breathe.

I wondered to myself for a while why he had positioned himself that way. Perhaps he had moved on purpose to feel the kicks again, and had only happened to fall asleep. Perhaps the kicks themselves soothed him, maybe subconsciously. Perhaps some parental instinct had woken up that night, the kicks had made him realize that he now had a child to care for, or it was the moment he first loved her. Maybe he, consciously or not, suddenly needed to make sure Isabel and I were safe.

He always protected himself. Maybe now he was protecting us.

After that time, Levi no longer kept to himself at night. He didn't constantly cuddle up close, oh no. But I heard him breathe every night, and sometimes I could even listen to his heart beat.

I'll probably never know whether he moved that first time in his sleep or if he did it awake. Either way, he remained there.

And I knew he was going to be a wonderful father, even without my help.


End file.
